Why I Won’t Swipe Right on Tinder

hbieghler

Let’s be honest here; when it comes to dating I’m one picky, needy son-of-a-gun. Especially online dating. Should I even consider Tinder date worthy? Maybe, maybe not. I’ve met plenty of people who have found their significant others and spouses on Tinder. Does this work for everyone? Absolutely not. I’ll be the first to admit that Tinder is definitely not for me, but I still gave it a shot.

No, I’m not going through every guy on there, picking out their flaws, and never giving them a chance. That’s not where I’m headed here. I’m giving you my ride-or-die list of reasons I will not swipe right on a guy.

I won’t swipe right if:

1) You’re shotgunning a beer.

I don’t want to see that you enjoy alcohol more than anything else in this world.

2) You’re posing with a hundred women

Okay so this is a little (very dramatic), but if they’re not related to you I’m swiping left.

3) You’re holding a dead animal

I understand that hunting is a legal hobby/sport, and is loved by thousands of people across the globe—but I don’t want to see your selfies of you and your “new homie.”

4) You have no clothes on

Bye, Fabio.

5) You have no shirt on for no reason

Honey, please.

6) You openly state in your bio that you have a girl but she doesn’t know that you’re surfin’ for a side chick.

No. Just no.

7) You post a pic of your money

I’m not impressed by the $500 you think is important to flash on Tinder. Besides, are girls that shallow??

8) You don’t have a bio.

I’m one fish in this dating sea; reel me in somehow.

9) You have one blurry pic of yourself.

No, I’m not in it for just the looks, but I have a right to know who I’m talking to.

10) If all you have are gym pics.

I need to know that you’re more than protein shakes and finding a swolemate.

11) Your only profile pic is of you wearing a mask.

Uhhh bye Jason.

12) Your one pic is not even you

Obviously I can’t tell if you’re catfishing me, but if the only pic you have is of an inanimate object, I’m running away.

13) You openly state that you have commitment issues

“But Hailey, Tinder is for hookups” Okay, but it doesn’t have to be!

14) You’re smaller than I am

Honey please. These thighs will crush you.

15) You’ve already requested to follow me on insta and be my friend on Facebook.

Uhhhh, no thank you.

16) Your hair is longer than mine

17) You have pics of drugs and openly state that you’re 420 friendly.

“But Hailey, pot isn’t even bad” Okay but that’s not my scene. I’ll let y’all do your own thing.

18) You don’t smile at least once

Helloooo? Are you even human?

19) If you openly say that you and your girl are looking for a third.

Do you mean a third wheel on a coffee date?

20) You sag your pants.

You’re not in prison, hike up your britches.

Roses are red,

Sagging isn’t cool,

Hike em up,

Or I’ll do it for you.

What are some reasons you won’t swipe right?

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